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[Brat Jr]

THIS  IS INCREDIBLE!  Read all the numbers slowly and in order!!

Be Careful not to MISS ANY
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                                   3
                             4
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                       9   
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                     13
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                                22   
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                                         28   
                   29
                   
                                    30       

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TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's
It's so easy to amuse old people! 





Don't hate me, I did it also or I wouldn't be typing down here.

[PrideNJoy]

lol......... 

[Brat Jr]

It was this little girl's first day of school, and the teacher
asked her what her name was.


She replied, 'Happy Butt ..'


The teacher said, 'Honey I don't think that's your name.
You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out. '


So she went to the principal's office and he asked, 'What's your name?'


And the little girl said, 'Happy Butt.'


The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all.


After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said,
'Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.'


Grinning from ear to ear, the girl then exclaimed,
'Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?!'
 

[Brat Jr]

Letter to a Bank

Dear Sirs:

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly??

If one of my checks is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know whether that refers to me, or to you
 

[Brat Jr]

Sexy babes in the shower.........
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 ready?
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GOTCHA!

[Brat Jr]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench close by begins to ring with a deafening and highly irritating Rap Tune.
Someone screams, "Turn that thing off before I throw it in the shower room!"
The man nearest to the phone reaches over. He engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello?"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes, I am."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models for next year. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They've come down $10,000 and now they are asking $950,000. What do you think, should we make them an offer?"
MAN: "Absolutely. Go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $940,000 so they will know we are serious buyers."
WOMAN: "OK, Honey! Now you're talking! I can't wait to see you later! Look for me upstairs and don't be long! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then the man smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" 

[ritz bitz]

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mil e. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying..

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

 

[sissy]

Ritz, that was hysterical! 

Thanks for sharing

[Brat Jr]

A LITTLE THREE-YEAR-OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.

HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG,

SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP..

THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING THE TOILET SEAT WITH

HIS LEFT HAND AND  HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD

WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS, "BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?  YOU'VE BEEN

IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.
BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS .....
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>"WORKS FOR  KETCHUP." 

[Brat Jr]

By the Easter Bunny?

[Brat Jr]

A Peep Show!



NO Dumping!


For Islander Coach 

[kennard04]

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

[PrideNJoy]

in Totem Lake, I saw a Psychic Store, so to speak.  Was a house, with signs all over.  Palm reading, Tarot, fortune telling blah blah

and out front, covering up a small corner of the front window........"GOING OUT OF BUISINESS"

I laughed........they must not be that good or they woulld've KNOWN!!! hehe

[sissy]

in Totem Lake, I saw a Psychic Store, so to speak.  Was a house, with signs all over.  Palm reading, Tarot, fortune telling blah blah

and out front, covering up a small corner of the front window........"GOING OUT OF BUISINESS"

I laughed........they must not be that good or they woulld've KNOWN!!! hehe

Very true Pnj, but maybe they were just predicting they would go out of business.......in 2020

[kennard04]

in Totem Lake, I saw a Psychic Store, so to speak.  Was a house, with signs all over.  Palm reading, Tarot, fortune telling blah blah

and out front, covering up a small corner of the front window........"GOING OUT OF BUISINESS"

I laughed........they must not be that good or they woulld've KNOWN!!! hehe

Very true Pnj, but maybe they were just predicting they would go out of business.......in 2020

Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail?

The headlines in the newspaper read: "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE"

[kennard04]

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"

[Brat Jr]

OMG! I could never eat here


http://earthguide.blogspot.com/2008/09/modern-toilet-restaurant-in-taipei.html

[cheese]

At least you wouldn't have to leave your seat to use the restroom. 

[Brat Jr]

whatever you do, don't order the Poo Poo Platter

[cheese]

whatever you do, don't order the Poo Poo Platter

Or the Egg Poo Young. 

[Brat Jr]

whatever you do, don't order the Poo Poo Platter

Or the Egg Poo Young. 

well the food does look kinda crappy

[Brat Jr]

LITTLE BOYS

 

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.  The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

 

'Eight', the boy replied.

 

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

 

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me.
They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. 
Right now, he can't do none of those.' 
 

[Brat Jr]

 
A little boy went up to his father and asked:  'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied.  'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said.  'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all. 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from  San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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Moe:  'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe:   'Really?'
Moe:  'Yeah.  Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'   
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.  It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.  'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied.  'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
.........................................................................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'


 

[Brat Jr]

 
Ways to tell someone their fly is open.
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

[Brat Jr]

My wife always wanted a riding lawn mower.

She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house..

SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower. I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug. To this day I have never been able to understand why some women are so hard to please.
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[Brat Jr]

6 names you go by:                             

 
3 things you are wearing right now:                                       

                                                                           
2 Things you want very badly at the moment:                               

                                                                         
3 people who will fill this out:                                           


2 things you did last night:                                               

                         
2.things you ate today:                                                   

 
2 people you last talked to on the phone:                                 


2 things you are going to do tomorrow:                                     

                                                                           
3 favorite drinks:                                                         

 
                                                                           

[Brat Jr]

6 names you go by:                             
Tracie
Brat
Brat Jr
Missy...... UGH!
you, as in Hey you
T
 
3 things you are wearing right now: 
ummm I don't have 3 things on                                       

                                                                           
2 Things you want very badly at the moment:   
More soccer games
and my hubby to record decent shows                            

                                                                         
3 people who will fill this out:                                           
Cheese for smart a$$ comments 
Sissy for even smarter a$$ comments 
Gumby


2 things you did last night:                                               
walked 2 miles
played around outside
                         
2.things you ate today:                                                   
cereal
chicken wing
 
2 people you last talked to on the phone:   
Alynn
my mom                              


2 things you are going to do tomorrow:                                     
Take Miki to the Dr
Take Miki to school
                                                                           
3 favorite drinks:                                                         
Water
Diet Coke
Beer

[Brat Jr]

Wine and Water

To my friends who enjoys a glass of wine . . . and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. coli) - bacteria  found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when
drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because
alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering
and/or fermenting.

Remember:   
  Water = Poop,        Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of sh(#

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service     

[Brat Jr]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night'?


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.

The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know.  If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk'?

The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk'.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth'.

The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk'.

'We shall now show you the way to the sound'.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.. He asks, 'May I have the key'?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,  Silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door'.

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ---- - - -
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.. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. 

DON'T SWEAR AT ME...

I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!


 
 
 

[kennard04]

GOTCHA !!! Good one Brat !!